The Parenting Arms Race

As I have had opportunity to meet with school administrators from across the nation over the past fifteen years I have become much more in tune with issues related to education where there is a significant difference between various regions of our country.  I have had a chance to get into a lot of different schools and see students from many of our fifty states.  One of my takeaways is that for the most part, kids are kids.  There really isn’t much difference between those kids who attend a school from a wealthy suburb near San Diego to those from an inner-city school in Philadelphia.  They may have a little different fashion sense from one place to another, but other than that, you could pick a young lady up from Celebration High School near Orlando and put her into Centennial High School in Nebraska and you would have a hard time picking her out.  This may be a little bit of a simplification because there are in fact some regional differences, but not as much as some people may think.  This said, I am still very happy being in the Midwest where it seems that our perspective has a little more balance.  Yes, there are folks out there on the extreme in every community, but overall, I believe that the Midwest is the best place to raise a family.  That is why I have included this article from the Washington Post.  I have bumped into a few of these kinds of folks even here in Iowa, yet I am glad I do not work in a school where the perspective mirrors this.  However, while the “status seeking on steroids” you will read about is at times mind-blowing, there is a degree of it in our own community, certainly not on this level, but it is here.  The bottom line is that we want to do what is best for our kids, and we need to have a perspective that is reasonable and in their best interest.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/in-mclean-a-crusade-to-get-people-to-back-off-in-the-parenting-arms-race/2014/03/23/9259c6a2-a552-11e3-a5fa-55f0c77bf39c_story.html

What Students Need To Hear

I have never been afraid of stealing a good idea, or borrowing something that someone else does very well, and do it myself.  It is said that very little of what we do in education is an original idea.  As a classroom teacher and principal I have taken a lot of things that other people do and put them in place.  If there is something good that works we would be foolish not to do it ourselves!  This holds true for things that I have read, as is evident by sharing some of the blog articles from Tim Elmore.  I am going to do that again by sharing some thoughts that from Chase Mielke.  Mielke is a teacher that writes a blog entitled AffectiveLiving at affectiveliving.wordpress.com, and I am going to reference a few thoughts from his story What Students Really Need to Hear.

The first thing that teachers must let students know that they care about them, and in some instances may care more about a student than he/she cares about him/herself.  Teachers need to communicate with their students that it isn’t the grades or the scores, rather they care about you as a person.  There’s an old saying about the relationship between students and teachers: They (students) don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.  Teachers need to be free to be honest with students and let them know that they worry about them when they go home at night, and lose sleep because they know that something is going on in your life that is giving you a great deal of concern.

More important, because they care, teachers must be able to tell their students the truth about school.  It isn’t about math or English or other academic classes.  It isn’t about getting good grades or being involved in activities.  All of these things are very important, but they are just part of the big picture and part of the purpose of school.  The primary purpose of school is to learn how to deal with the harshness of life when times get tough.  It is to prepare young people to confront the challenges that lie ahead.  Learning how to become resilient and deal with setbacks.  Working with people that can be obnoxious or mean.  Learning to deal with problems like a locker combination that doesn’t work, gossip, conflict between two activities, or the same deadline for more than one assignment.  That’s the purpose of school.

What teachers want to tell their students is that many of them are failing this most important part of school.  They may be passing classes, but they are not learning how to deal with the difficult challenges that Mielke calls the main event: adversity.  Teachers tell students that high school will not be the most difficult time of their life.  It gets a lot tougher!  Yet many students do not heed the advice, and in fact many are setting themselves up to fail.  Many students are quitting, and yet they do not even know they are doing it.  Some quit by wasting a complete day.  They do not complete a problem in their math class or write a sentence for their social studies homework.  For some reason they don’t believe it matters and they do not step up and accept the challenge of completing their work.

Other students quit by skipping classes, or finding ways to leave class.  These students are throwing away a fundamental gift they have been given in this country: a free education!  They choose to pursue their own pleasures rather than take advantage of an opportunity that will pay dividends in their future.  Quitting takes many forms, like taking the easy road rather than the one with challenges.  The same can be said for those students who choose not to work harder when they are down in a class.  They quit because they are not willing to get their act together and sacrifice when things look difficult, or perhaps impossible.  In some instances it comes down to making hard choices, and finding hope, courage and fortitude to get the job done.

Students need to be told that being rude and disrespectful to adults is another form of quitting, whether it be a teacher in the hallway asking you to hustle to class, or an associate in study hall telling you to take your seat or quiet down.  Students who do this take a hard line and view respectful behavior as bowing to authority.  What they are lacking is the ability to problem solve in a mature manner and to use good judgment rather than be ruled by emotion.  The teenage brain is not fully developed, especially that part that uses reason and logic.  That is why students need to work to develop this skill.

While some teachers talk to students about effort and putting in the time, most the time they avoid being blunt.  To be blunt, what they really need to say to a teenager is that every time you take the easy way out, you are building a habit of quitting.  Like any habit, it is tough to stop quitting once you start, and like others, it will destroy your future.  You see, we live in a society that values winners and does not care one bit for quitters.  Quitters are going to end up alone and depressed if they don’t figure out how to man or woman up to deal with adversity and hardship.  Compared to other eras in our nation’s history, as well as to life in other parts of the world, American teens live an easy life, even those who have it tough by our standards. 

What I would really like to hear teachers say when they meet with a student that isn’t turning in work or challenging their authority is the same as Miekle: “As long as you are in my life I am not going to let quitting be easy for you.  I am going to challenge you, confront you, push you, and coach you.  You can whine.  You can throw a tantrum.  You can shout and swear and stop and cry.  And the next day, guess what?  I will be there waiting – smiling and patient – to give you a fresh start.  Why?  Because you are worth it!  Do yourself a favor!  Step up.  No more excuses.  No more justifications.  No blaming.  No quitting.  Just pick your head up.  Rip the cords out of your ears.  Grab the frickin’ pencil and let’s do this!”

Have Fun!

“Much more than the gift of happiness, caring adults owe each new generation some perspective. I believe we must be willing to sacrifice their temporary happiness for long-term happiness — including preparing them to be disciplined adults themselves. Instead of pleasure, let’s prepare them for fulfillment.”  Tim Elmore

When I was a teenager, and even before that, whenever I went some place with friends or over to a buddy’s house, my mother’s parting words to me were “be good.”  And I would generally respond with a resigned, “Yes, moommm.”  It wasn’t until I attended the SAI conference in August 2014 that I remembered this as I heard one of the keynote speakers share that while my generation, and previous generation were left with that warning to be good by their parents, that message has changed today.  Rather than sending them off with that message, parents today – me included! – offer them this parting statement: “Have fun!”

So what’s the big deal?  In my opinion, it is simple: as parents we have a moral obligation to help our children become responsible, contributing adults in our community or society.  “Be good” sends the message that when you are out and about it is your obligation to make good choices.  It means that when you are at another person’s home you respect the rules of the household, and you say “please” and “thank you.”  If you take a date to a movie, you don’t take along booze for the trip, hold the door for her if you are a him, and treat everyone you encounter in a respectful manner.  It means that if you come home and I find out that you have done something wrong, you will have consequences because you are not going to behave that way and you are not going to embarrass this family.

Why do we send our kids off with “have fun?”  Are their daily lives so filled with work, toil, and discomfort that we view this time as respite; a time to let go and release pent up energy?  I don’t think so as there is no way anyone can convince me that young people today work as hard as previous generations.  No, I believe it is quite the opposite.  In my opinion we parents are of Nike’s “Just Do It” generation, with many of us pursuing good times and pleasure and modeling that for our children.  Fun is easy to come by if you have a few bucks, and when we look at the discretionary spending by many people, paying for fun far exceeds savings and investment.  “Live for the day” is the motto of younger people, and many middle aged folks, without care for what may happen tomorrow.  But it cannot be all fun and games.  Author of The Trust Edge and national speaker David Horsager takes the position we have people chasing fun and getting less of it.  In a sense, it is kind of a like a drug.  After the first hit, the next one is less satisfying so you keep pursuing that initial high that you get because it is never quite as pleasurable as the first time.  Once the person recognizes it, they move on to something more potent.  That is the same as the fun seekers.

So what is the big deal?  Well, you have to take a step back and refocus on life.  Not everything in life is fun.  Calculating density and researching support for a thesis are not fun.  Studying for a test on metabolism or photosynthesis is not fun.  Rehearsing a solo or practicing on the saxophone is not fun.  Listening to a teacher provide instruction or direction is not fun.  The reality is that it is impossible to have fun 24/7 and no one is ever going to be able to achieve that.  Yet some will try and eventually fail, and others will become quite frustrated because they can’t.  Yet many of us as parents are more concerned about our kids having fun than learning that things must be done.  Every day we must start and complete a task.  We face obstacles that will take persistence and hard work.  We will fail and we have to figure out how to pick ourselves up and figure out a new direction.  The teenage brain is not fully developed and the messages we send, and the experiences they have now will mold who they are in the future.  If we continue to reinforce “fun-seeking” over being a good, responsible person, then where are they going to be?  I am not a fun hater, but there is a guiding principal that has been proven true time and time again: moderation in all things is a pretty good balance in life.  When we work hard, persevere, solve problems, and act responsible, then there are opportunities for us to have some fun. 

Why Are We So In Love With Ourselves?

The rampant taking and posting of “selfies” and the extensive sharing of personal information on Facebook are two of the best examples of what has become a national obsession with ourselves.  We have become a nation of people in love with ourselves, one in which narcissism is on the rise among our young people, with one study by Twenge, Campbell, and Gentile finding that there has been a 30% slant toward narcissistic attitudes among students in the United States and 1 in 4 respondents on a national survey identifying themselves as narcissistic.  What is narcissism?  The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “excessive self-love or vanity; self-admiration, self-centeredness.”

Some folks say this this is the result of the self-esteem culture that has been so pervasive in the past few decades, and that self-confidence, believing in yourself, and loving oneself leads to success and improved lives.  But the reality, according to numerous research studies is that the effect it has is actually quite small.  All of the self-help books and focus on bettering yourself may in fact have had more negative consequences than positive ones.

Another factor is that for a couple of generations, children have been raised to believe that they are someone special, which in the end often distorts the reality that they end up living and a false sense of who they are.  According to professionals, self-love is incomplete and immature as a solo attribute, and self-love without empathy is lopsided and leads to both arrogance and misery.  The “Hey!  Look at me!” mentality of selfies and Facebook posts are cries for attention that are surface level pleas for attention.  Once they figure out that people do not really care about that, people may go to greater extremes to get that attention, or go in another direction and struggle with a lack of personal fulfillment.

In many ways this focus on ourselves has manifested itself in the actions of people where one has to question whether or not we truly care about other people in our country.  One can look at different groups who have had political influence and see their motives as examples of self-interest at the expense of the greater good.  Policies favoring big business and individuals over social welfare seem more common.   Look at Nebraska where two recently elected Senators voted for the Keystone pipeline despite overwhelming opposition by the citizens of the state.  Both Senators accepted huge donations from the Koch brothers to advance their business concerns.  For generations many people have given of themselves for the greater good of a community, yet today in many places there is not sense of community.  People live in a town but do not engage in any meaningful way, choosing to do their own thing.

This obviously does not apply to all, and we do see quite a few kids that are not “caught up in themselves” or as I like to say, “staring in their own soap opera!”  The reality is that while we celebrate successful people, more often than not, that success is dependent on other people.  Perhaps rather than focusing on the selfie, we need to be collecting those pictures of others who help us be the people we need to be.  Maybe we shouldn’t be so caught up on wanting people to know what we do every day, and rather get to know others better so we can work together to better the lives of all.

We’re 37th!

One would have to be a hermit to be oblivious to the back and forth that has taken place between public education advocates and those who have a strong conservative perspective on the use of tax dollars and government finance.  I have been a professional educator for nearly 30 years and this disagreement has been going on at least that long, along with the debates about what should be taught in school, who has the authority to determine what is taught in each building, and why Iowa students no longer rank first in the nation on a couple of different standardized assessments.  This last point is one that concerns a lot of people.  Perhaps it is because the fact that the State of Iowa does not fund schools anywhere close to other states in our country.

In January 2014, Iowa Legislative Services Agency reported that in twelve months Iowa had fallen from 31^st to 37th in per pupil spending compared to other states in the country and the national average.  A few years back, in the 2011-2012 school year, Iowa spent $1,514 less per student than the national average.  When that is extrapolated out for the North Fayette and Valley school districts that would be roughly $1.6 million!  What could our district do to support and educate students with that kind of additional money!  However, despite the fact that Iowa remains in the 37^th position, Iowa has fallen further away from per pupil spending, down $1,657 per pupil last year for roughly a total of $1.8 million for the students in our district!  These are facts, and the reality is that money does not educate students; people do.  But, for the past ten years or so, funding for Iowa schools has steadily declined, and at the same time student performance on those national tests has dropped as well.  I don’t think that there is necessarily a direct correlation, though I do think there is some relationship.  What concerns me more is the message that is being spun to tax payers.

The 2014 Legislative session did not do much to help Iowa schools with their finances, though they did fund to a point that schools were not hurt.  What troubles me is that the governor and supporters in the legislature claim that they have spent more on Iowa schools than even before, which is ironic considering that our per pupil spending is not increasing much at all, and certainly not at the same rate as in other states.  The Branstad administration has governed with an iron fist when it comes to educational spending, and while they have implemented what look to be some positive reforms, the reality is that rather than putting new money toward funding them, they are determined to take money from strong existing programs to pay for them.  And, they are sending information out to local districts that they have to raise more funds locally.  I find that ironic when the same administration has campaigned in 2014 on the notion that they have restored money to the people of our state.  It is interesting that they aren’t spending it on our children, and at the same time claim that they are.  The proof is in the numbers.