Social Media and Your Mental Health

For those of you that regularly read this blog, my columns in the newsletter, or have been around when I have have shared my thoughts about smartphones and social media, you already know that I have very strong, negative feelings about the impact both are having on youth today.  I have spent a lot of time reading research and talking to people who are a heck of a lot smarter than me about this topic, and nothing I have read or heard has changed my opinion.  Smartphones and social media are corrupting our kids today, causing mental health issues, standing in the way of their learning, impacting how they develop relationships, and adding stress to already difficult lives.

In a study conducted by the United Kingdom’s Royal Society for Public Health, some very interested findings were shared in their report regarding use of social media, particularly with Instagram, a very popular platform used by our students.  I have included an article about this study from Time magazine.  After reading it I would strongly encourage you to have a conversation with your child, and require that they give you access to their Instagram accounts.  Yes, accounts plural, because most of our Instagram users at NFVHS have two, the one they refer to as their “regular” account, and their “spam” account where they post the “bad stuff.”  Most of your kids are going to tell you they don’t have a spam account, but I am telling you they most likely do.  Be persistent!  Give this article a read.

Why Instagram Is the Worst Social Media for Mental Health

http://time.com/4793331/instagram-social-media-mental-health/

Girls Can Do Math and Science

I recall the first episode of the revolutionary television program The Wonder Years that premiered after the 1988 Super Bowl.  Somewhere in a box stored away I have recordings of every episode on VHS tapes that I will most likely never watch.  It is probably my favorite television show because it took me back to my childhood, though I was a few years younger than the main character, Kevin Arnold.  There were many nights when I could picture myself in that show.  

Another character in the show that made a big impression on fans was Kevin’s girl friend, Winnie Cooper, played by Danica McKellar.  Many of the storylines took viewers through the joy,  pain, and awkwardness of young adolescent boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, as well as the culture classes that took place in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s.  For many of us that remember televisions shows from our youth (or younger adult years!), we sometimes have those moments wondering whatever happened to some of the stars in those shows we were dedicated to.  In the case of Danica McKellar, she continues to act periodically, but she has also become a renowned mathematician and advocate for math education, particularly for girls.  She has published a number of books about math that can be found on her website mckellarmath.com.  She also recently wrote a story that appeared on nbc.com about math education that I think you will find interesting and have included below: 

I Want Girls to Learn Math and Science — and Their Own Self-Worth — Despite Stereotypes

https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/i-want-girls-learn-math-science-their-own-self-worth-ncna847351

I Hated The Election of 2016

When I started writing this blog I purposely decided to avoid talking politics.  There is enough of that conversation that invades our daily lives.  Yes, my political leanings come through in many of the articles I have written, but I have worked hard to temper them as much as possible and still make the point I wanted to make without offending and with the purpose of getting people to think and reflect.  Today’s article is going to take politics head on, and I am not going to temper my opinions and beliefs.  I think you can see that based on the fact that I have used a very strong word in the title, yet I hope that you will read what I have to say with an open mind.  

I bring this all up because of where we are at in our country over a year-and-a-half after the new President took office.  What took place in that election has only been magnified since, and I think it scary how horrible people are treating one another in our country.  The lack of civility in the election, both the primary and general ones, was disgusting.  At the time I often asked myself and others, “Is this who we have become?”  In the months since, it would appear that is so.

One of the definitions for civil is “courteous.”  Another is “public.”  Until 2016, political campaigns were for the most part civil.  Oh there were instances of some dirty tricks here and there, but in terms of the manner in which candidates addressed each other, it was almost always courteous and largely respectful.  I remember when Vice Presidential candidate Lloyd Benson put Dan Quayle in his place with a sharply worded comment, but stated in a respectful manner.  We expected our leaders to be courteous in their public comments, and when one deviated from that, they were generally heavily criticized by colleagues, the public, and the media.  In this country there has been a strong sense of decorum, perhaps not quite to the extent of England, but people did not mind if you had a difference of opinion as long as you debate in a respectful manner.  However, that has changed and I find it reprehensible.  

For this lack of civility I point my finger right at the POTUS.  During the campaign prior to the Republican primary he made outlandish statements, calling a female opponent ugly and make untrue disparaging remarks about one’s father being involved in a conspiracy to assassinate John Kennedy.  He used belittling nicknames for opponents, such as Little Marco, Low-energy Jeb,  and Lyin’ Ted.  Incredibly, once he won the GOP nomination he took it up a number of notches, referring to Crooked Hillary and “Pocahontas" Elizabeth Warren in unbecoming terms.  Replaying video of him talking about grabbing females by their genitals and mocking individuals with handicaps are yet the tip of the iceberg of vulgar and volatile comments he made.  And, he has continued with his tweets and pronouncements.  He has called a football player that was expressing his 1st Amendment rights a “son of a bitch” and mocked individuals who have different opinions.  

Of great concern to me is that this has given license to others to do the same.  Sure, all of us have made denigrating or derogatory comments about people, generally in private or in the company of friends.  Some of the things I have heard close friends say about Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are certainly not appropriate to say in public, and I do not recall political leaders saying those things in a public forum.  But now we have public personalities doing that.  LeBron James has called the President a Bum.  Other people have tweeted that he is an “asshole.”  There is no filter, and that has trickled down in our day to day life.  People believe they can say whatever they want without repercussions, or if there are, then it’s almost like they come out swinging!

The 1st Amendment is perhaps the most understood part of our Constitution.  Our freedom of speech is not an all out say-whatever-is-on-your-mind-whenever-you-want-to-say-it guarantee!  I have made this statement a number of times over my career: With freedom comes responsibility!  I try to impress that on students when we have conversations about the newfound freedom many of them have in high school.  Teenagers love to argue!  Every parent knows that, and the smartest among us know that the adult never wins that argument!  That said, when it comes to issues where people are speaking their mind or saying what needs to be said, there is a responsibility.  There are laws that govern speech, and actions like libel and slander prevent people from going off and saying whatever they want regardless of what harm it might cause.  But without reaching those levels of responsibility, there is something called civility and respect.  When our nation’s leaders fire obscene and vile comments at others, it is natural that Joe Public is going to do the same.  

I don’t know if there is a direct correlation between this “new” practice of spewing hateful or disgusting things and high school students becoming more emboldened with what they say.  Teenagers have always pushed the boundaries.  That said, when they hear or read what is being said by adults who are public figures with seemingly little consequence, I cannot help but believe it leads them to do the same.  What we have found is that when confronted, more often than not the teenager sees nothing wrong with what they said.  A classic example was when I confronted a girl about making a derogatory comment about another girl that begins with the letter b.  Her response was “Well, she is and I’m not sorry I said it!  If you knew her, that’s what you would call her too!”  Unfortunately it has become acceptable  in common public conversation to refer to people in such a derogatory manner.  Thank you Mr. POTUS!

Social Media Addiction: What You Need to Know

One of my primary interests and concerns right now is social media and the sometimes devastating effects it is having on young people.  I have spoken and written about it, and will continue to do so when given opportunity.  When parents on average spend less than an hour a day with their adolescent kids, while the kids are spending an average of over two-hours a day on their smart phones, I believe there is a major disconnect.  Here’s an article from the website smartsocial.com that you may find interesting.

Social Media Addiction: How to Avoid Long Term Effects

Grit: A Few Thoughts From Angela Duckworth — Part I

When I first discovered Angela Duckworth a number of years ago, I sought out as much as I could find to read about her theories on the concept of “grit.”  The first thing I got my hands on was information from some of her research into what made people successful.  She referred to that “what” as grit.  I grabbed on to any paper, article or interview I could find written by or about Duckworth and grit.  From what I have read and learned from her I believe there is far more than can be covered in one article on this blog.  Therefore, this is the first of three articles in which I attempt to share what I believe is very important information regarding what makes human beings successful.

First off, before I dig into Duckworth’s research, I want to try and explain why I am so intrigued by her work.  As a coach and former athlete I have always been very interested in what motivates people.  The mental aspect of sport has always been more interesting to me than the physical, so it is natural that I would be drawn to her work.  But there is another reason: the actual word — grit.  That word has been used in my family for years, primarily by my maternal grandfather and my mom.  I could not begin to count how many times they referred to a person as having grit.  Most often they were referring to someone that was tough, one that stuck to it and got the job done no matter what.  I remember times when my mom would tell me that I needed to have some grit at various times when I was competing in one sport or another!  At the time my understanding was that people with grit stuck to it and got the job done, no matter what.  And for the most part, that is what Duckworth has determined separates the truly successful people from others.

The title of Duckworth’s incredible book actually defines grit, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.  That definition has been now modified as perseverance and passion for long-term goals.  One only has to read a few pages of her book to get a clear picture of what grit is and why she became so passionate in her work to better understand why some people exceed at high levels and others do not.  It all started as she was a psychology graduate student looking at why some of the cadets at West Point washed out early on, and others persevered and succeeded.  What she determined is insightful.

I will try to be brief so that this article actually comes to an end(!) and the point is made, but you need to know a few things about West Point.  The United States Military Academy in New York is where our nation’s leaders are developed.  This list of West Point graduates is extensive in terms of leaders of our nation, business and industry, and other aspects of American life.  Only the very best and brightest young men and women are selected to attend in one of the most rigid application and screening processes that exists in colleges of higher education.  It is generally a two-year process, and once a new class of cadets is selected, one has a group of extremely talented, smart, and physically gifted individuals.  There is no question that on paper, after going through all of the assessments, interviews, surveys, and tests, each new plebe is an outstanding person that should easily succeed.  Folks, these kids are the best that America has to offer!

But, they do not all make it.  In fact, 20% wash out in the first two months of school at West Point.  The Army was concerned about those that did not finish and wanted to be able to identify why some made it and others did not.  For years the Army was using a measure called the Whole Candidate Score to try and predict which high school students had the potential to succeed.  It included a weighted average of SAT and ACT exam scores, high school rank adjusted for the number of students in the applicant’s graduating class, expert appraisals of leadership potential, and performance on objective measures of physical fitness.  Yet even with this scoring system they could not accurately predict who would stick it out and go on to be commissioned officers and who would go home before the end of their freshman year.  The Army was determined to figure out how to improve their tool so as to eliminate the “wash outs.”

In the plebe’s first summer, they encounter their first challenge, commonly called the Beast.  This is a seven-week intensive training that starts at 5:00 in the morning and takes the young men and women through a structured and grueling 17-hour day described in the West Point handbook as “the most physically and emotionally demanding part of your four years at West Point . . . designed to help you make the transition from new cadet to soldier.  It is because of the Beast that 1 in 5 new cadets quits.  And, the Army was stymied as to why.  So Duckworth and Mike Matthews, a military psychologist dug in to find out what the reason was that some made it and other’s didn’t, and was there a way to predict who those individuals would be.  

There is a lot more to this story, and I strongly encourage you to read Grit.  However, to wrap this up, through their work and analysis, they found that those who dropped out rarely did so because of their ability or their talent.  There was no trend that they could find in terms of where individuals stood on the Whole Candidate Score.  Some of the highest rated new cadets dropped out, while some of the lowest ones made it.  What Matthews surmised as they looked closer at the data is that those who made it had a “never give up” attitude.  They were driven to make it through every obstacle and had a passion to work hard and succeed.

Duckworth took this experience and also worked with people in a variety of fields, looking to explain why certain people made it to the top and others did not, and she found similar attributes.  The impression that many people held is that those at the top of the field were talented people who had some luck.  But she looked at something else because there are highly talented people that do not make it.  When she really started sorting through things she determined those who made it to the top and were highly successful had a ferocious determination to succeed, were resilient and hardworking, and they knew exactly what they wanted.  They had determination and direction.  They had grit.

When We Need to Quit Dreaming and Wake Up to Reality!

A while back I had a conversation with a student and parent and was criticized afterward for a statement that I made.  I guess I was too blunt.  However, I made a personal promise to myself a number of years ago that I was not simply going to say what people wanted to hear when it came to their child.  I think that is very dishonest and it does not do anything to move the child forward.  There comes a time when it is necessary to face reality and the truth, regardless of how harsh or brutal it may be.  It is great to have dreams, but there comes a time when you have to wake up!  

I am going to change the details of this meeting to protect the identify of the student and the family.  However, before I move on to the story, I want to make it clear that I am a goal-oriented person and I still have dreams.  In fact, I dare say that anyone that has experienced success in their life has set goals and worked to achieve them, and many times these goals are based on a dream that someone has.  There is no doubt that the great dreamers have made a positive impact on our world, and frankly, without them I have a belief that our lives would not be so rich.  That said, I do not want anyone to say that I don’t buy into people having dreams, nor do I want it said that I am a dream crusher because I do truly believe that if there is something that a person wants out of life they should go for it!

Back to the story.  It is not uncommon when a meeting is held with a student and her parents to talk about goals and what they want to do when they graduate from high school.  At the current time there is almost an obsession with making sure that teenagers can define what their career choice is as soon as possible so that they have direction in life (though that’s a topic of another article).  Depending on the type of meeting that is being held, this is often part of a goal setting process, or in other instances, a stepping off point to have a conversation about performance in a particular class.  In this particular meeting, the question that was posed was one asked all of the time: what do you want to do when you graduate from high school?  The student’s response came quickly . . . I want to play on the U.S Olympic Volleyball team.

This was not the first time I heard this from the student, nor was it the first time the other adults in the room heard it.  In fact, I anticipated that it would be stated.  It is fine for a 15-year old to dream, in fact, they should!  However, when we are talking about how to prepare for life beyond high school, at some point people need to look through a realistic lens.  In this particular situation, the student had some struggles in school, but some of that was due to not being focused on learning.  The reality for our students is that in a couple of years they are going to be done with high school, and then what?  How are you going be prepared for that next step?  How are you going to fulfill your dream?

Another thing that I knew going into this meeting was that the parent was 100% supportive of their child’s dream.  That’s a good thing too, and parental support is very important in terms of kids getting to where they want to get in life.  Yes, there are those instances when a child had a dream that goes against what a parent wants, and perhaps so that can say “I told you so,” go on to great success on their chosen path.  However, common sense would say that if a parent supports their child in their pursuit of their dream, that chance of meeting it will increase.  Yet in my opinion it is important that the parent also has their feet grounded in reality and recognize whether or not their child has done what it takes to position themselves to reach their goals in life.  None of this stroking their self-esteem because the priority is that their child is happy all of the time!

At the meeting when it came time to talk about what the student wanted to do after high school for a career, she said what I expected her to say, “I want to play on the U.S. Olympic Volleyball team.”  Mom patted her on the hand and gave her one of those motherly looks that sends the message, “Whatever you want, honey.”  This is where I came in.  I looked the young lady directly in the eyes and said, “Jillian, you are not going to make the Olympic volleyball team.  That is a dream that is not going to be fulfilled.  Less than ten Division 1 volleyball players are even invited to tryout for Team USA each year.  One, maybe two of them make the team.  From there, they go to training camp and the team is whittled down even further.  Each year in the state of Iowa perhaps ten high school seniors get a scholarship to play on a Division 1 volleyball team.  Each of those teams carry about 15 players.  a third of those players never see the court or get to play meaningful minutes.  At the current time you are a junior in high school.  You are not on the volleyball team this season.  You did not play on our team last year.  You quit the team midway through your freshman year.  You are not going to play on the U.S. Olympic volleyball team.”

I went on to say, “You need to put that out of your mind because it is preventing you from looking at things that you can do with your life.  I understand that the vast majority of kids your age have no clue what they are going to do with their life, but you are putting a self-imposed obstacle in front of your options because you are misleading yourself into believing you are going to be a world class volleyball player.  To look at it another way, we are here to help you achieve your goals and help your dreams come true.  How can we help you with this volleyball dream if you aren’t even going to play volleyball on our high school team?”

There was more to the conversation, but this is the jest of it.  This may be one of the more extreme examples I have confronted.  This is a lot different from the kids growing up playing basketball in the driveway dreaming of shooting a three pointer in the NBA for the Lakers.  We need to have those dreams!  Even high school kids that dream of playing football on Saturday afternoon need to have those dreams to get them through those mind-numbing practices in mid-October.  Dreaming is important, but what are you doing to make your dreams come true?  If you are just sitting their waiting for something to happen, it’s not going to!  A dream should inspire action.  For that young girl that dreams of being a star in the movies, she had better be doing everything possible to develop her skills and talent.  If she is just going about life waiting for some “star-maker” to tap her on the shoulder and bless her with fame and fortune, that’s not going to happen.

Why do I bring this topic up?  There are two reasons.  First, most people have a dream or two about what they want out of life, and in my opinion, that it good.  If it is going to come true, the burden is on the dreamer to make it happen, to take charge of their life and do everything in their power to make it a reality.  If a person is not willing to commit to living their dream, then they are basically wasting their time, and perhaps the time and efforts of others.  They are spinning their wheels going no where, and rather than seeing their dream come true, before they know it, their life is a fantasy with no real direction or purpose.  By the time a young person is preparing to take that step into the “real world” beyond high school, they had better have at least one foot in reality.   

What Is Really Important?

“We need to care less about whether our children are academically gifted and more about whether they sit with the lonely kid in the cafeteria.”

What do you think of this quote?  I ran across this on a sign somewhere and stopped to write it down because as I was really taken by it.  It forced me to stop and think about what is really important in life, and what sustains our civilization.  I agree with this quote 100%, and yet I work in an environment where I am not sure that most of the kids come into this school with this general belief.  In fact, I know that this isn’t true because we do have kids sitting by themselves at lunch, and we do have students who also walk through the doors driven for academic success.

While I believe this quote and recognize that I can impact our student’s behavior, my mind has wandered to what it implies and how that is manifested today.  For example, we do have some parents obsessed with the academic success of their kids.  Straight-A’s is the minimum expectation, and while the student may be involved in some activities and have some friendships, there is a focus on “resume padding” efforts that are in reality little more than membership in a group or token efforts to provide service in order that one can place the “experience” on their resume, and applications for scholarships and college.  While many of these students really are good kids, there is often more of a carefully crafted image than substance.  But, aren’t these straight-A kids the smart kids?  Well, in traditional grading systems knowing how the “play the system” is often a stronger influence on the grade than being smart.  That said, I can also think of a number of students today and in the past that were top scholastic performers who were also very friendly and supportive to other students regardless of who they were.  So, I am not painting this all with the same broad brush, but I think it is important to recognize we have the problem.

Notice that at the beginning of the previous paragraph the term “ academic success” was used, not learning.  To be honest, many of the brightest kids, those that have learned a great deal, are at a tier below the top.  The success obsessed parents and students often disregard the importance of learning.  They figure out how to rely on a variety of factors to get the A, but do not challenge themselves, or stretch themselves to learn at more depth or at a higher level.  These grade-chasers look at good grades as tokens that will be converted to front-page pictures, scholarships, and awards during the senior year.  And for many, this is at the cost of learning as much as they could, and actually being a more well-rounded person.  Those kids that really want to learn tend to take more risks, and if they do not get a perfect score, they are willing to accept that.  They have internalized that what they have learned will take them further than the letter put on the top of a paper. 

It isn’t only academic success that some parents are obsessed with.  We also have some obsessed with athletic success.  Chasing the almighty college scholarship is more of a status thing for parents than it is a reality for the students.  The athletic obsessed parent often lives vicariously through their child and look forward to the opportunities to tell tales about the mail their child is receiving or the phone calls they get from coaches.  In our sports obsessed nation some of us believe that if we have a child that is being recruited to play sports at the college level, that makes us a little more special because that child carries our DNA!  Dads in particular talk about the full-ride scholarship offers, almost always stretching the truth because in reality less than 0.01% of high school seniors receive a full-ride athletic scholarship!  When it comes to high school, being the jock and recognized for athletic success is the top priority, and along with it comes a strong sense of entitlement.

This brings me back to the second part of the quote, many of us love to talk about our kids, and there is nothing wrong with being proud of their accomplishments.  I am very proud of both of my kids!  Yet how many of us have truly encouraged our kids to be a champion of those that aren’t given a fair shake?  Those that need a hand up, or are outliers for whatever reason?  Is it possible that we can expect our kids to give their best effort in whatever they pursue, stretch themselves and achieve at a high level, and at the same time reach out to those that are less fortunate?  Every day at lunch I walk through the cafeteria and see kids sitting by themselves.  How lonely is that?  A few have the courage to go sit at a table with a few other kids, but are just as isolated because they are totally ignored.  We have these kids at NFVHS, and yet other students all too easily walk right past them because they are focused on things other than the well-being of others.

How many of you spend time talking to your kids about being a nice person or doing something good for someone else each day?  Have you ever talked to your daughter about going out of her way to talk to a peer that seems to be all alone?  What about talking to your son about finding that young man that sits by himself at lunch and sitting with him?  How about instead of hanging with your buddies, who are going to be there anyway, reach out to the new kid that doesn’t know anyone?  How we treat one another is a true measure of our society and our humanity.  Quite honestly I have a lot more respect for our students that are good kids than I do those that achieve some high level of success.  They are going to have a much greater impact on our society than those that are obsessed with  high academic success, or having their pictures in the paper.  And, they will be a lot more important to that lonely kid sitting by herself at lunch.