I can’t count the number of times I have made the comment “An 18-year old today is not nearly as mature as an 18-year old in the 1960’s and certainly not as mature as an 18-year old in my grandfather’s generation, commonly referred to today as The Greatest Generation. Whenever I think about those 18-year old young men, some younger, who volunteered to go and fight in Europe or in the Pacific, I envision those young men who made an incredibly mature decision to go and fight for freedom. Many of those young men were already married at a young age, some of them having children and working a job. When they set foot on foreign soil, they did so with the balance of freedom on their shoulders. They were men that came from every walk of life and they knew full well what they were getting into, and why. Today, I do not see adolescents and young adults faced with the same kinds of decisions or realities.
The paradox is that young people are physically maturing earlier than previous generations. Young boys and girls today experience puberty at a far younger age that even a couple of generations ago. That leads to a dynamic that is much different in terms of the total maturation process. Sexually mature individuals are living for six years or more under the direct authority and supervision of their parents. This extends the amount of time that students are dependent on their parents and delays the need for young people to make major decisions on their own.
What we have now is a population of highly educated young people leaving the nest that lack important life skills. High school graduates today have a much higher level of education today than at any other time in our nation’s history. They also have access to more resources than any time in history, yet college professors sometimes remark “26 is the new 18,” referencing their perceptions of how immature and unprepared people are for adult life. In other words, adolescence has expanded into the twenties!
What has happened to cause this? Researchers point to the notion that adults do not apply as much pressure on them as my great grandparents did during the time they were raising their kids. More important, the pressure that is being applied is in places where it does not matter as much in terms of preparing individuals to deal with adult life. In previous generations, parents put pressure on their kids to experience different work scenarios, prepare for family life, interact with people from different age groups, and develop a strong work ethic. But that has apparently changed. Today the pressure parents exert comes in different places that in the big picture do not make a big difference in preparing young people to become mature and productive adults.
So, what are the areas where parents are putting pressure on their children, and why doesn’t it help them become adults able to live independently? Tim Elmore identifies three: grades, sports, and prestige. Think about the amount of attention is given to each of these in your household. Elmore states that “no one except our mom cares about your grades twenty years later,” and that their importance is overblown when it comes to scholarships and college admission. Corporations and workplaces express that high school and college grades are not a very good reflection of job success.
Overzealous parents are pushing their kids to excel on the playing field, hauling them all over the country to play on travel teams, and paying for private coaching. The reality is, less than 1% are going to get college scholarships to play sports, and less than that are going to make their living playing sports. Those kids are going to be software developers, nurses, and accountants, not point guards or shortstops.
Parents are also pushing their kids to be popular, and this pressure manifests itself in a number of different ways that in the big picture do not matter one iota. Keeping track of and trying to accumulate as many Followers, Likes, and Views as possible is the new scoreboard for popularity. In small schools in particular, the pressure to be popular also comes with challenges to value systems that students are still developing. The reality is that this is fleeting, for some disappearing overnight should they take a social misstep. For the rest, once graduation day is over, no one cares who the popular kids were. There is no longer a need to have a pecking order.
When the young person moves beyond high school, it isn’t long before most of them recognize that they had been playing a game, and realize that those things they put a lot of emphasis on really do not matter. And then, they recognize that they are not prepared for those things that are really important because the never had the pressure in those areas before. For some, they experience emotional issues as they try to rationalize meaning with what they have accomplished up to that point. Since they have not been prepared for the real responsibilities of life, they struggle, and many deal with those struggles by falling back into their comfort zone, which is a dependence on Mom and Dad.
If this is the case, then what should be done differently? Again, according to Tim Elmore, the adults need to apply pressure on things that matter. One example is to help children identify their strengths, develop them, and become very aware of their personal identity. They need to know who they are and have confidence in what they can do. People of character are also going to get further in life, and thus it is imperative that parents pressure their children to do the right thing, no matter the circumstances. And finally, parents need to insist that their son or daughter develop a strong work ethic. The need to understand that the quality of work they do is important, and that they also need to work to serve others. These are the qualities that will lead to success in their future.
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