As I reflect on the 18 years I lived under my parent’s roof, as well as lessons they continue to teach me, I believe that one of the most important — if not the most important — lesson I learned was "you don’t need it even if you want it." Now my wife may argue that I forget this from time to time, but if I put the whole list of my wants in front of her, it would take her quite a while to get through the list! What I also recall, and still see today, is that many of those things that I wanted simply sit in a corner unused or have been stuck in a closet, forgotten until I am looking for something and run across them, or my wife has pulled them out and has them lying on a table at a garage sale. I see the same thing with my kids in some respects, but due to the fact that my spouse strongly subscribes to the philosophy of "needs and moderation," there isn’t so much. It is no surprise that one of her favorite songs is the Rolling Stones’ You Can’t Always Get What You Want. You know the lyrics!
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
For a number of generations our society has become more materialistic, with each succeeding one identifying what were once “wants” as “needs.” There have been various groups and subcultures pop up in the past sixty years that have disavowed materialism from time to time, and there are religious groups such as the Amish that have maintained that as a cornerstone of their faith. But for the most part, we Americans have consistently sought to have more “things.” Perhaps there is a coming shift with the increased popularity of tiny houses, but my guess is that this is just a fad as well.
Back when I was growing up there were a number of years when my family struggled and things were pretty tight around the Wolverton house, but even as we solidified ourselves in the middle class, my parents were frugal and I can remember a number of times that my mom said, “We can’t afford it.” The funny thing was that we accepted that and there was no shame in not being able to afford something. My parents both grew up during the war years and for whatever reason learned to spend their money wisely, and when you purchased something, make sure you bought high quality. So, when I was a kid, we did have quality things because they would last and there was no shame in that fact that we didn’t always have the latest fashion or latest gadget, nor did we have those coming of age things like a stereo when we went into middle school or a car when we turned 16.
But times have changed quite a bit from the 1970’s and for whatever reason many parents are concerned about how they appear to others. It seems that for many they are constantly concerned as to whether or not they are “good parents” and whether their children have the same things or opportunities as the other kids. If their child has less than other kids, how are they going to be treated? Are they going to have friends? Will kids make fun of them? In essence, they don’t want their child to do without, whether they can afford it or not. They have a very difficult time telling their kids “No” and some feel guilt or shame having to admit that they cannot afford something. They are kind of backed into a corner, and because of that they seek other ways to make sure their child gets what they want.
This all brings into question the responsibility of being a parent. In my opinion, the bottom line for parents is to provide a roof over their child's head, food, clothes, and basic supplies, in a loving and caring environment. When it goes beyond that, the parent needs to be able to afford it, and more important, to teach their child to live within their means. I know of a number of people, and have some very close friends, who take on a second job to provide their children with some of those extras, whether it be to play on a sports team or to have a few of their material wants met. The parent sees that as their responsibility. Some sacrifice being able to spend some time with their child to accomplish this. But in the mind of the parent, it is worth it to them and they see it as their job as a parent. I cannot argue with that. I also have friends that have overextended themselves, charging up their credit cards to in order to get those “things” that their children so desperately want.
What does seem out of bounds, and something we see more of at school, is when some parents expect others to bear the responsibility of providing for their kids. I am not talking about free or reduced lunches. That’s a very important program to many families, and I do not care what anyone says, we can all pitch in to help out with a child’s fundamental needs. No, what I am talking about is expecting the community to pay for some of those “extras” that come with a public school education. What are those extras? Perhaps the most obvious are various trips. Many trips include fundraising activities that shift the burden of paying for the trip to the community. A number of years ago I figured out how much a band trip to Florida cost and the amount of money that went into that trip from fundraising, and posed the question “Why are we sending thousands, in fact tens-of-thousands of dollars out of the community?” We were asking individuals and businesses to pay for what was actually a vacation with the band marching once or twice at Disneyworld. That bothered me at the time, and still bothers me now when groups have to rely on large amounts of money from other people to take kids on a trip. While I have not seen it first-hand, I have heard about parents establishing GoFundMe.com sites to raise money so their child can go on a trip, or have enough money to play on a club team. Really? I am all for helping others, but there must come a time when parents are able to tell their kids “We can’t afford it” without shame or guilt. Or, the parent can go to the bank and get a short-term loan so their child can participate. Before his senior year in high school, my brother worked an average of twelve-hours a day so that he could pay for a trip to wrestle in Germany. He didn’t go door to door asking for donations.
This really touched on a couple of topics, and perhaps I drifted a bit from the original intent. The reality is that there are often legitimate reasons we are in the financial situation we find ourselves in, and it is unfortunate that we have to say “No” to our kids. But the reality is that many times in life we bump into a “No.” I have a close friend that ended up losing a job due to bounced checks and other financial problems because he was determined to make sure that his kids had all of the best things that other kids had. Was that worth it? What would have happened had he said to them, “We can’t afford that, and you’ll be fine.” I think our kids will survive quite well when they have to go without, as long as it isn’t food, shelter, and clothing. As parents we just need to quit worrying what other people think. We need to teach those life lessons to our children that there are times when you have to live within your means. We do not have to look very far to see horrible examples in this country where people “spent” what they didn’t have. “No” seems like a pretty good lesson sometimes.
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