What Is Really Important?

“We need to care less about whether our children are academically gifted and more about whether they sit with the lonely kid in the cafeteria.”

What do you think of this quote?  I ran across this on a sign somewhere and stopped to write it down because as I was really taken by it.  It forced me to stop and think about what is really important in life, and what sustains our civilization.  I agree with this quote 100%, and yet I work in an environment where I am not sure that most of the kids come into this school with this general belief.  In fact, I know that this isn’t true because we do have kids sitting by themselves at lunch, and we do have students who also walk through the doors driven for academic success.

While I believe this quote and recognize that I can impact our student’s behavior, my mind has wandered to what it implies and how that is manifested today.  For example, we do have some parents obsessed with the academic success of their kids.  Straight-A’s is the minimum expectation, and while the student may be involved in some activities and have some friendships, there is a focus on “resume padding” efforts that are in reality little more than membership in a group or token efforts to provide service in order that one can place the “experience” on their resume, and applications for scholarships and college.  While many of these students really are good kids, there is often more of a carefully crafted image than substance.  But, aren’t these straight-A kids the smart kids?  Well, in traditional grading systems knowing how the “play the system” is often a stronger influence on the grade than being smart.  That said, I can also think of a number of students today and in the past that were top scholastic performers who were also very friendly and supportive to other students regardless of who they were.  So, I am not painting this all with the same broad brush, but I think it is important to recognize we have the problem.

Notice that at the beginning of the previous paragraph the term “ academic success” was used, not learning.  To be honest, many of the brightest kids, those that have learned a great deal, are at a tier below the top.  The success obsessed parents and students often disregard the importance of learning.  They figure out how to rely on a variety of factors to get the A, but do not challenge themselves, or stretch themselves to learn at more depth or at a higher level.  These grade-chasers look at good grades as tokens that will be converted to front-page pictures, scholarships, and awards during the senior year.  And for many, this is at the cost of learning as much as they could, and actually being a more well-rounded person.  Those kids that really want to learn tend to take more risks, and if they do not get a perfect score, they are willing to accept that.  They have internalized that what they have learned will take them further than the letter put on the top of a paper. 

It isn’t only academic success that some parents are obsessed with.  We also have some obsessed with athletic success.  Chasing the almighty college scholarship is more of a status thing for parents than it is a reality for the students.  The athletic obsessed parent often lives vicariously through their child and look forward to the opportunities to tell tales about the mail their child is receiving or the phone calls they get from coaches.  In our sports obsessed nation some of us believe that if we have a child that is being recruited to play sports at the college level, that makes us a little more special because that child carries our DNA!  Dads in particular talk about the full-ride scholarship offers, almost always stretching the truth because in reality less than 0.01% of high school seniors receive a full-ride athletic scholarship!  When it comes to high school, being the jock and recognized for athletic success is the top priority, and along with it comes a strong sense of entitlement.

This brings me back to the second part of the quote, many of us love to talk about our kids, and there is nothing wrong with being proud of their accomplishments.  I am very proud of both of my kids!  Yet how many of us have truly encouraged our kids to be a champion of those that aren’t given a fair shake?  Those that need a hand up, or are outliers for whatever reason?  Is it possible that we can expect our kids to give their best effort in whatever they pursue, stretch themselves and achieve at a high level, and at the same time reach out to those that are less fortunate?  Every day at lunch I walk through the cafeteria and see kids sitting by themselves.  How lonely is that?  A few have the courage to go sit at a table with a few other kids, but are just as isolated because they are totally ignored.  We have these kids at NFVHS, and yet other students all too easily walk right past them because they are focused on things other than the well-being of others.

How many of you spend time talking to your kids about being a nice person or doing something good for someone else each day?  Have you ever talked to your daughter about going out of her way to talk to a peer that seems to be all alone?  What about talking to your son about finding that young man that sits by himself at lunch and sitting with him?  How about instead of hanging with your buddies, who are going to be there anyway, reach out to the new kid that doesn’t know anyone?  How we treat one another is a true measure of our society and our humanity.  Quite honestly I have a lot more respect for our students that are good kids than I do those that achieve some high level of success.  They are going to have a much greater impact on our society than those that are obsessed with  high academic success, or having their pictures in the paper.  And, they will be a lot more important to that lonely kid sitting by herself at lunch.