It has been a little while since the last sexting issue at our school, but there is no question that up to this point, we have primarily addressed one side of it: telling girls not to send nude photos of themselves. We have basically interrogated boys about where they have gotten pictures, and implemented consequences if warranted, but rarely have we talked to boys about the issue. On the contrary, I’ve given sometimes very emotional “lectures” to girls about not letting the boy convince you to send pics. All of those conversations have included me talking to them about developing a strong self-identify and having control over their life. The reality, however, is that in many high schools, girls are under tremendous pressure to share explicit pictures of themselves, and we adults do not always have a full understanding of it.
Researchers from Northwestern University found through a study on cyberbullying and sexting that about 66% of girls age 12 to 18 had been asked for explicit pictures of themselves. In that survey, a high percentage of girls said that they faced persistent requests, anger, and threats from boys to send them pictures. It is also quite common for some boys to play on emotions common in dating relationships, emphasizing trust and commitment as reasons to share pictures. “If you love me you’ll share a picture with me” type pressure is often used.
What is particularly disturbing, according to psychologist Lisa Damour, are the repercussions some girls face if they do not share photos. In some instances girls face harassment and threats if they don’t sent pictures. They are sometimes cut off from relationships. At a period in their life when relationships mean everything, being isolated takes a tremendous toll. We also know that there are significant emotional and psychological concerns, with young girls experiencing depression, and some opting to take their life once the pictures become public.
While attention given to sexting is not as intense as it was a couple of years ago, it is still going on. At NFVHS we have dealt with a handful of incidents that have been brought to our attention over the past four or five years. In each case, we involve law enforcement. We investigate the matter as it applies to the impact at school, and then we let law enforcement handle it in the manner they see fit.
After the first couple of times we dealt with a sexting issue, and basically telling girls “don’t send the boys pictures,” I started wondering about this constant “blaming the girl” for what happened. In the bigger picture, we tend to blame the girl for a lot of negative things that happen in teenager relationships, perhaps because many of us simply accept the “boys will be boys” philosophy or because we expect more from girls than we do boys when it comes to traditional views on sexuality. That said, I have asked myself why we aren’t sending the message to the other side of the equation?
Many of you may remember the news from the University of Notre Dame that made the rounds a little over a year ago. A mother of two boys who attended the catholic university in South Bend, IN wrote an open letter to girls at college to quite wearing leggings on campus because her boys basically couldn’t keep their eyes off of them and she was worried about how they (the boys) could cope with this. When I heard that I thought “are you kidding me!” It’s kind of like those who blame girls through dress code policies for boys having “impure” thoughts, not being able to control their imaginations or urges because of what a girl was wearing. Come on! Give me a break! Like this mom with boys at Notre Dame, at what point do we hold boys accountable!
That’s the other side of the equation. Rather than pointing the finger at girls and blame them for sending “nudes,” we need to put our focus on boys and tell them to quit asking for them! Heck, I have heard unsubstantiated stories of boys who have hundreds of photos of girls, each one of them could be used to bully, blackmail, or embarrass a young person. The irony, is that in the State of Iowa, this is illegal. Now, most county attorneys and local law enforcement do not want to ruin the life of a teenager in possession of photos like this, but why are we not putting the focus on the boy who is asking for the pictures rather than the girl that is being harassed into giving them up? It seems to me that is the approach we need to take. We need to at least balance the how we approach issues like this, holding boys accountable at least to the extent we do the girls. We need to hold our boys to a higher level, and not just accept that boys will be boys.
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