On Valentines Day I read an article in the Sunday paper about Jerry Seinfeld and thought, “Wow! This is what I have been saying all along!” Now, I watched a number of episodes of Seinfeld though I would not describe myself as a big fan and certainly am not one of those that remember specific dialogue or episodes. However, I have read a number of things about him and his life since his television show and have found that a number of our values and beliefs are the same. I realize that there are a number of experts out there with qualifications that far exceed Seinfeld in the area of parenting, but I found his “Three Rules of Parenting” about as good of a common sense list that I have read.
Seinfeld refers to his rules as “the poison P’s.” The first is Praise. How often have we heard in recent years that we need to praise on our kids? We need to build their self-esteem! In order to motivate them we need to focus on the positives! Truth be told, I have always been skeptical of this and everything I have been reading in recent years from child and educational psychologists tell us that we have way overdone it. Young people need to develop intrinsic motivation and a sense of doing something for personal satisfaction, to serve others, or because it is the right thing to do. The phenomenon of layering praise on top of praise has had some consequences that are hard to fathom from my perspective. Go to any kids sporting event and in many instances the child receives a medal or trophy for simply showing up! And, take a look at those trophies! Some are taller than the little shaver that carries it off the awards stand! Grade inflation is something that has made its way into school. My goodness, the quality of an “A” paper is not close to the level expected for an “A” paper back in the day. A challenge for our teachers is to restore that level of excellence and raise the quality bar. Simply completing an assignment is not good enough and we should quit pretending that just because something is done does not mean it has been done well! In some respects it seems that kids are immune to praise. They hear so much of it that is carries little meaning to them. We need to offer encouragement and support, but make certain what we praise is truly worth praising.
Problem-solving is the next of the poison P’s. Seinfeld was quoted as saying, “We refuse to let our children have problems. Problem solving is the most important skill to develop for success in life, and we for some reason can’t stand if our kids have a situation that they need to ‘fix.’ Let them struggle – it’s a gift.” To borrow a quote from another individual, Steve Deace from WHO radio in Des Moines, “Students need to experience disappointment. It is part of life. They need to learn to overcome adversity. It is part of life.” How can we possibly believe that we are preparing our children for life’s struggles when we solve all of their problems for them? Whatever happened to requiring a son to go in an confess his missteps over the weekend to the principal rather than a parent doing everything possible to sweep it under the carpet, or taking the position of “it isn’t wrong unless you get caught” and then hope that Junior doesn’t get caught! What is up with that! I believe that in the classroom teachers have become so concerned about moving through content that they do not allow students to struggle and solve problems before they rush in and solve it for them. Kids do not stick with it and give up when something gets tough because they have not developed the skills of persistence and fortitude. Call me mean but both of my kids have sat in tears trying to get something right with their homework, and I have not rushed in and helped because one day I am not going to be there for them. I often wonder what “helicopter parents” are thinking by swooping in and rescuing their child. Let them skin their knee, bump their noggin’, pick themselves up and dust themselves off! That is learning! It is okay to fail! What is important is what one does after the failure. That is perseverance and problem solving.
The third poison P is giving your child too much Pleasure. Seinfeld didn’t elaborate much on this except to share an example of a young mom who bought her daughters huge cookies at 5:00 in the evening rather than saying that dinner was at 6:00. I would say that this is probably the “P” I struggle with the most. Maybe it is that “I want my kids to have what I didn’t mentality.” But, on the flip side, I do not have a problem saying “No!” I believe that we don’t say “No!” enough. Perhaps it is part of this consumer society that we live in where so many parts of our lives are lived in excess that we buy, buy, buy. Or on reflection, our kids are so tuned into video games, texting, and those things that when we hear them say they are bored that we rush to entertain them. I buy into the idea that our kids have far more than they need and that they do not do a very good job of entertaining themselves like we did when we were kids, so the challenge is to figure out how to bring back a sense of value for our kids because that is something that I don’t think they truly understand. By the same token, why are so many 16-year olds quitting sports and music program so that they can work to pay for a car? What’s wrong with riding the bus or walking to school? I bought my first car when I was 23 and finished with college and needed something to move to the town where I acquired my first job. Some may argue, but I think I turned out okay!
I am not saying the Jerry Seinfeld is the end-all, be-all when it comes to parenting. But like many in my generation, we are looking at what is going on around us and for whatever reason, common sense and sanity are starting to kick in. Look at the three P’s and do a little self-assessment as to where you are. You know, teenagers need parents more than they need an adult friend. I have read a tremendous amount of research where teens have said they want structure and expectations in their lives. How about we get it right before it is too late!
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